Up with the lark today- well, the sparrows and pigeons anyway. An unexpected but welcome early walk by the river. A double blessing as I am not subjected to the infernal heat of the day but also am rewarded with extra sofa “down time.”
Paused on the bridge to watch some spotty trout meander across the river looking for breakfast morsels. My bearded bloke informs me that there is a hatch of Sedges- as if that means anything to me; but if you are a fly fisher then you are in the know. Headed down the first field. Spotted a bunny and gave chase. I let him win; half my family are vegetarians so they wouldn’t appreciate my furry food parcel anyway! Scattered a shoal of minnows when I had my first dip. The water was cool as I waded out up to my small bits- not that I have any. Am considering setting up a trauma group for like minded canines that like me were parted from their genitals without even a consultation. Think I will call it “Wish They Were There.” or maybe “Nothing To Be Sniffed At.”
I never understand why my bearded bloke watches me like a hawk; just incase I find some sweet smelling badger or fox poo to roll in. Pure natural fragrances. In these times when humans with a conscience are getting all high and mighty about going “green” and saving the planet they should think about the stinky chemicals that they spray on themselves every morning. Honestly I cannot go in to the bathroom to investigate the litter bin for a good couple of hours after they have left for work, without my eyes watering, accompanied by a severe sneezing fit. Anyway, I digress. Back to the river.
We slowly circumnavigated three dew drenched fields of gold and green. My bearded bloke’s flip flops now making an infuriating squeaking noise with every step. A couple of squirrels were chasing around an oak tree. I had to stand and admire their agility. They were chattering away as the leapt and shimmied their way from branch to branch. You can mock me all you like you little critters; but if one of you falls then it’s game on.
Spotted my bearded bloke staring at a flower. That damn Himalayan Balsam that is now the scourge of the river bank. In one hand he was holding a bag full of litter that someone had left on the bank. Luckily I had missed him muttering his usual “Why do they do it? It weighs less now than when they carried it down!” (or words to that effect.) He has a valid point though. In his other hand he was pointing his phone at something which to him was obviously interesting. I sauntered over and was immediately unimpressed . “Wow! It’s a butterfly.” I stared my point of view at him hoping he would detect the sarcasm in my eyes. I think he caught my drift. It’s a Comma, he reliably informed me and he took a picture- remarkable in itself because normally by the time he has worked out which angle and how close he should get, the subject has got bored or simply had somewhere else to be. I thought it strange that this little fella should be named after a punctuation mark (whatever that is.) It’s to do with the comma like markings on the underwings; thanks for asking.
We walked back upstream, my bearded bloke now annoyingly several yards behind me as he constantly scanned the river for fish. He often advises other folks who claim the river is devoid of any trout that if they were to walk upstream rather than downstream they would see a lot more. This is due to the fact that most fish will be looking upstream because that is where their next meal will be coming from. And while you are at it, maybe not wear a bright yellow tee shirt and white shorts that say’s a very loud I AM HERE! to any shy minded creature. (This bit he keeps to himself, for fear of violent reactions- and anyway the fashion police have been after him for years.)
Homeward bound now. Back on the pavement- the now very warm pavement as the sun begins it’s heat vigil for the day- don’t blame me man; I’m not the one spraying aerosol holes in the ozone layer. Spotted a couple of cats ( real cats- I’m not slipping in to any weird cool jazzy human vibes.) I felt my lead go taught as my bearded bloke anticipated me making a mad dash. Relax chum, it’s a game; I see them but pretend not to see them and they pretend not to see me. It’s bluff and counter bluff. Animal mind games; you humans have your politics.
Home. Last stop is the sofa and my cushion nest. Here I can smell the coffee (literally) and contemplate absolutely nothing at all. Bliss!
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Simon Harlond 